Contemporary Praise & Worship:
The Lite Side
With Seeker Sensitive, Purpose Driven  churches trying to be all things to all people, by providing various secular worldly activities to attract the pagan, and providing nothing of substance for the Christian, a little humor is in order.
(You have to laugh about some of the silliness going on, or you’d be crying all the time.)

Now, for all you Pastors who like to "Cast Visions" for your "Seeker Friendly" Churches:


New from Los Lobos Ministry Records, the run away hit single Casting Vision from the worship team at Word Of Life Fellowship in El Diablo, TX!!

Lyrics:

Starting kinda early, face is on the screen
About to spout a "supernatural" dream
It's time to speak the sublime, put my trust in fate
I wanna see the crowd fill the off'ring plate

Blinding eyes when I'm casting vision
Full of lies when I'm casting vision
Ooh, comes from me fluently, it's ambiguity
My casted vision makes the best of me

Pushin' on the poor so they'll, sow a seed
My mind is racing, filled with avarice 'n greed
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna take the Word and twist it
I'm cryin' all of these tears but the Lord's not in it

Blinding eyes when I'm casting vision
On the rise when I'm casting vision
Nooo, accountability, i'm ruling sovereignly
My casted vision always seems to make the best of me, the best of me, yeah-eah eah-eah-hey

Ooh-ooh (oooh) ooh-ooh, casting vision
(Oooh) Greed,  casting vision
(Oooh, double vision) i must be out of my head, must be out of my head
(Oooh, double vision) I keep on casting vision, woa-oah
(Oooh, double vision) see me casting casting, casting vision
(Oooh, double vision) oh-oh my my casting vision
(Oooh, double vision) casting vision, yeah-ah-ah eah-eah eah-eah ah
(Oooh, double vision) I get casting vision, oooh

This song is dedicated to Vision Casting "Pastors" everywhere, but Mark Driscoll in particular, and those like Slayton, who have quoted this line:

Lyrics:


Going to church, right down the street.
Don’t hear God’s Word no more.
The Pastor says we don’t feed no sheep
So Get busy and amuse those goats.
Don’t be lazy, you’re here to satisfy
the leader’s god given vision supreme.
If you dare to question him
Then there’d certainly be a scene LOOK OUT!

(Chorus)
Another one’s off the bus
Another one’s off the bus
And another one’s off
And another one’s off
Another one’s off the bus
Hey, he’s gonna get you too
Another one’s off the bus

One by one, people disappeared
Never to be seen again
Thought this whole darn thing, was all a joke
But I changed my mind when
Saw the pastor, jump on the bus
Tear out screeching down the street.
People were getting squashed like bugs
and piled up like dead meat. LOOK OUT

(Chorus)
Another one’s off the bus
Another one’s off the bus
And another one’s off
And another one’s off
Another one’s off the bus
Hey, they don’t care ‘bout you
Another one’s off the bus

The pile behind, Mark Driscoll’s church,
Grew higher by the day
Some truly tried to follow his plan
And were thrown under anyway
Well his vision was not complete,
He was enraged at all of us,
I told Mark to stop playing God,
And now I’m under the bus!

(Chorus)
Another one’s off the bus
Another one’s off the bus
And another one’s off
And another one’s off
Another one’s off the bus
Hey, he’s gonna throw you too
Another one’s off the bus

---

Lyrics written by Joshua, Christina and Chris Rosebrough

It must be February, because the Seeker-Driven churches are rolling out their racy sex and relationship "sermons" in their never ending quest to be relevant. Here's one example from Potential "Church":

Get A Tattoo Onstage During The Sermon!!

 

Because nobody can listen to a regular sermon anymore...

So, let's think about this for a minute:

The God who created the entire universe from nothing, who was born to a virgin, lived an amazing life full of miracles, teachings and healings, then willingly gave His life on the cross to pay for the sins of all the world, then rose victoriously from the dead... all of that is not good enough to get people's attention?

 

But if someone get's a tattoo onstage during the sermon-that's gonna make the Gospel message a lot better? If only we would have known this before!

 

“I didn’t want to repent of my sins, but now that some lady got a tattoo during a sermon, I believe. Plus, it’s easier to pay attention to a sermon while being completely distracted. ”

— Said Nobody Ever


Closing thoughts: If pastors continue this downward spiral, where will it end up? If we say that "people are different nowadays" and "we need a gimmick to get people to church these days" aren't we just setting ourselves up for even more ridiculous and embarrassing stunts? And if a person comes to church only because they were attracted to the spectacle that made it "new" and "relevant," what kind of person are we attracting, and why are they really showing up?

(source: "Fighting for the Faith" website)

Thomas Road Baptist Church, Lynchburg, VA:
2015 Christmas Show:

Hillsong’s “Sleazy Silent Night!”

The following video is wrong on so many levels. 

Aesthetically, it's just weird, confusing and embarrassing.

But beyond the ridiculous nature of this one particular song/video there's the more serious problem that this "thing" claims to be the church...   

Hillsong leads the way when it comes to "churches" featuring worldly, gigantic and expensive spectacles to attract a large audience. They are laughing all the way to the bank, too, as this global empire continues to gobble up followers around the world.

“Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life-is not from the Father but is from the world.”— 1 John 1: 15-16

 

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what it the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

— Romans 12: 1-2

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”— 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5

Closing thoughts: For those of you who say "but this was a performance at a special concert event---this wasn't an actual worship service; you need to see this in it's proper context..." Here's a question; why would a "church" have an event/concert with moral guidelines that are different from the moral guidelines that govern a worship service? Why be "a little more like the world" to attract people to a spectacle (like this video) and then "re-adjust" things for a Sunday morning service? If this video is supposed to be sleazy on purpose to somehow try and teach a lesson, Hillsong doesn't mention it anywhere-and this is from their own YouTube channel. It seems that this is just a very obnoxious version of Silent Night to grab the attention of the crowd. Note: A few hours after this video was posted, it was "made private" by Hillsong; the video on this page now is a copy the "Fighting for the Faith" website put on Vimeo. (This is the typical response of many "Seeker Sensitive" and "Emergent" Church websites.....they try to hide their true beliefs and practices.  South Norfolk Baptist did this when they were called out about their endorsement of several "Emergent" and heretical 'church' websites).

(source: "Fighting for the Faith" website)
Hill$ong Church Parody:
Kentucky Baptist Churches make news: gun giveaways to entice new attendees:
(More information on the "Seeker Sensitive" webpage)
Director of Kentucky Baptist Convention gives an interview on the guns giveaway:

"Want Some False Doctrine in Your Life? Try These Handy Tips!" by Steven Kozar


Don't be shy about it-admit it: false doctrine is fun and, well, it just feels good. Here are some handy tips to keep you fully deceived and incapable of discernment:

 

1.    Always think to yourself: "I know what he meant" when false teachings are taught; don't listen to the actual words themselves. Pretend you are giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" when you're actually permitting bad teaching. Also, bad teaching isn't so bad if the pastor tells an emotional story to drive home the heresy; and he must be telling the truth if he starts to cry, especially at the same point of the story in multiple services!

2. Here's a handy saying: "No church is perfect!" The assumption here is that it's not of any value to carefully examine doctrine because all churches are wrong in one way or another, so just accept anything. If you go to the church because "you feel comfortable there" and the "worship team really rocks" you'll probably never have to think much about doctrine anyway. This can also be modified as: "No pastor is perfect!" False teachers and mediocre pastors really appreciate it when you think this way.


3. Focus on your feelings rather than the clear teachings of Scripture. Because you're a sinner, this will be very easy. For added validation of your false beliefs, convince yourself that God told you to disobey Him and somehow violate His word; but don't use such obvious language. For example, say: "I really feel that God spoke to my heart, that's why I believe it's okay to       (fill in the blank with whatever sin and/or false doctrine you want). A great little catch phrase to instill this principle would be something like this: "Theology will never change a man as much as a direct encounter with God." Of course, if you really had a direct encounter with God you'd probably be dead...


4. Allow false doctrine from a teacher because "he has some good things to say, too..." A handy little phrase to repeat is: "Chew on the meat and spit out the bones." Although this concept isn't Biblical, pretend that it is. It will probably help you to imagine yourself "open-minded" and "non-judgmental" when you repeatedly ignore God's clear instructions to hold fast to correct doctrine.


5. Consider "doctrine" the same thing as "religiosity" or "legalism." If you realize that doctrine is just another word for teaching (and the Bible demands correct teaching) you might decide to become more discerning, and remember, false teachers everywhere are counting on you to stay ignorant and gullible.


6. Promote false teaching "for the sake of the un-churched." You want to have lot's of new people coming to church, don't you? Well, give the public what they want and watch attendance skyrocket! Remember, the unrepentant sinners out there will show up if they are promised something to appease their selfish desires. Better sex? Bigger paychecks? Well-behaved children? God can give your un-saved neighbor all of that-and more! The seeker-friendly pastor already knows this dynamic growth program, and with your blind support (and weekly tithe checks) he will craft emotionally appealing motivational speeches to convert pagans into regular attending members! And let's not forget that these same pastors ("leadership experts") will provide your community with a sense of purpose and identity (and a six-figure salary for themselves), so don't bog them down with Biblical requirements that would stunt the growth of the organization.


7. "Group Think" is a major component of false doctrine, so, "go with the group!" Fortunately for you, there are plenty of groups that are teaching and promoting false doctrine, so just pick the one you're most comfortable with and buy into their twisted version of Christianity. Here are some of your choices: 

     

2.    First, there's the "What do we believe this month?" "Emerging", Post-Modern church (think: Rob Bell, Brian McClaren, etc.). Millennials love this one; it's hip and it only get's hipper as it dumps Biblical doctrine in favor of pagan mysticism and cultural sensitivity (which is usually just capitulation to the culture). Remember, you're never actually believing false doctrine, you're just "having a conversation!" Wink wink, nudge nudge.
     

Second, for the suburban soccer-mom crowd, there's the "seeker-friendly" mega church (think: Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Andy Stanley, etc.). These churches are a mash-up between a cinema-plex, a shopping mall and a Starbucks. Bigger is better, right?! And if you ever (accidentally) start to question whether anything lines up with Scripture, you can just take a look around the vast auditorium: this many people can't be wrong! As long as you think so, you clever little conformist! 
     

Thirdly, for the truly adventurous, you can find a vast number of Charismatic churches that aren't even close to orthodox Christianity! (Think: Bill Johnson, Rick Joyner, T.D. Jakes, etc.) What's not to like about a church that believes anyone can come up with new doctrine anytime by hearing directly from God?! Oh sure, they give lip service to the Bible, but with proof-texting, they can make the Bible appear to say anything! Does God just want you to be rich, happy and successful? Sure He does! Do we just have to "speak that into existence?" Sure we do! Remember, the Holy Spirit is your personal genie in a bottle, and after you've swayed back and forth with the praise band for an hour or two, you'll actually start to believe that. Key words and phrases: "Woooo!" "Fire!" "More, Lord, more!" "Shaba!" "I feel a releasing of the anointing that is beginning to shift the atmosphere, and the mantle of His presence is about to come down so that the glory of His anointing can release His presence into the manifold destiny of His glory..." 

 

Catholic's confessing their sins online has become the "in" thing:
"America's Next Top Pastor".......................
A Parody on "Worship"......................

The next video was taken at Perry Stone's Church. (This, and several of the following examples of outrageous idolatry being practiced in "Seeker Sensitive" 'churches,' is courtesy of Museum of Idolatry).  We're pretty sure this isn't a Christian form of worship. In fact, it resembles the type of worship used for the Golden Calf. But, this time the Golden Calf has been replaced with a replica of the Ark of the Covenant.

Bizarre!!

More "Ark Worship" insanity from Perry Stone's "church":

Marketing God

Like Beer and Sports Cars



You-know-what sells sports cars and beer but who would have thought that churches would resort to "selling God" using the same marketing ploy. Once again it's the "what can God do for you" approach to getting people to fill the pews. Today's sermons are all about helping you with your marriage, pleasure, job, family, investments. Gone are the centuries of Christianity in which churches taught about the character of God and the worship of him. If an approach pragmatically gets people in the pews and is thought to enhance evangelism, well then that's all that matters today.

Listen in this CNN segment of the video as the pastor essentially says "IF I've offended you then I'm sorry, but I'd do it again in a heart beat, therefore I'm not really sorry after all".

The pastor whose church mocked the community with the 'rap remix' often calls Christians who disagree with his methods 'Pharisee' and claims that everyone who complained about his racy postcards were more of the same. How does he know that they are Christians that he's offended? as opposed to common folk who just as readily don't want their small children watching a R-rated movie than see his church's postcards. Some perhaps are Roman Catholics who externally care about morality and mention God in their complaints. All of these people need OUTREACH not a church who mocks them.

Unfortunately these types of sermons have become the norm in today's seeker centered churches, and the church in the video is far from alone in their approach.

(Courtesy of Museum of Idolatry)

Good Friday is a time to for churches to preach how Christ was lifted up on the cross so that people may know that are forgiven of their sins. Resurrection Sunday is a time for churches to proclaim "He is risen indeed".

But for some reason, Gateway Church decided to advertise their Easter with this tasteless erectile dysfunction ad spoof:

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the... suds and bleeches? Can't you see they got direct vision and revelation from God?

Who are we to judge?

Another Relevancy Fail……..

(Courtesy of Museum of Idolatry)

 

Someone needs to send an email to the folks at Liberty Church and let them know that Nsync ain't relevant no more.

This Purpose-Driven Church Has "Friends in Low Places"


Imagine showing up at church to find that your pastor has decided to stage his very own American Idol contest.

A church member decked in country and western garb walks on stage and begins singing "I've got friends in low places".


In a western twang he belts out such inspired lyrics as:

“I've got friends in low places
where the whiskey drowns
and the beer chases my blues away.”


As soon as this 'church' song is finished the music minister stands up and calls people to worship the Lord.


Does this sound too insane to be true?

It's not! Here is the video to prove it!

This is from NewSpring Church in Anderson, South Carolina.  

Perry Noble is their pastor and he is a disciple of Rick Warren. (See the PDF file below the update, to read his open letter to Rick Warren.)


After watching this video please scroll down and read the update. This story gets better.

** Update ***

This story gets weirder by the minute.

We received a tip from a reader that “Pastor” Tony Morgan of NewSpring Church commented on the “American Idol” sermon series at his blog. Here is what he said:

"The vote for next weekend's opening song included Brick House by the Commodores. I'm just praying that God loves funk."

Yep, "Pastor" Tony was personally pulling for the funk song ‘Brick House’. This is a song that is about the female anatomy. And yes, this song was sung in their church as part of their American Idol contest. Here are some of the lyrical highlights of ‘Brick House’:

Verse:?1. She knows she got everything
a woman needs to get a man, yeah.
How can she use, the things she use
36-24-36, what a winning hand!

Verse:
2. The clothes she wears, the sexy ways,
make an old man wish for younger days
She knows she's built and knows how to please

Sure enough to knock a man to his knees


We're sure these lyrics fit perfectly with the other sermon series they did called  “Girls Gone Wild.” How lewd is it that they named an entire sermon series after a series of porn videos.

---

Golly those Purpose-Driven Churches sure are relevant.

(Courtesy of the Museum of Idolatry)

“Sin City” Comes To Church:

The Most Superficial and Me-Centered Church Evaluation Questions, EVER

Pastor David Foster of “The Gathering” in Nashville, TN has compiled what we think to be the most me-centered and superficial test for evaluating a church that we've ever seen.


Notice that in this list of 16 things Pastor Foster would look for in a church he never once mentions sound doctrine, Christ-Centered preaching or anything of Biblical substance. Here is Pastor Foster's list with our commentary in parentheses:

If I were looking for a church to attend in the morning, here is what I’d look for:

1. When I enter do I hear laughter?

(What about reverence? Why should we prefer laughter over reverence?)

2. Are people greeting me as a job or a joy?

(Come on'. When was the last time a church greeter gave you the same type of service you get at a post-office? If this is sooooo important to you, maybe you should fill out a Zagat survey after church and rate their customer service.)

3. Does the place look like they were expecting me?

(What does this look like? Should the church set up VIP box seats for me and my entourage?)

4. Are people buzzing as they greet each other?

(We call this the bee hive test and we have no clue what it means.)

5. Is there spirited music playing as people gather?

(What does this mean? Should we be listening for Lynard Skynard music?

6. Does the music move me?

(How me-centered and vain can you get?? So I'm supposed to show up at a church unannounced, expect to be given the VIP treatment and demand that the music move ME. What if I am only "moved" by opera music? Should I let the church know that I won't be back until they change the music to suit my 'moving' needs?" Here's a better question, "Does the music exalt Christ and what He accomplished for us on the cross or does it exalt me?"

7. Do the people on stage look real and engaged?

(We'll I guess this test rules out every church that doesn't have a stage. Furthermore, we are now supposed to think and act like Simon Cowell from American Idol. Maybe we can provide the church with post-performance feedback like, "Sorry this performance didn't do it for me. Your wardrobe was atrocious, your vocals we're pitchy and you seemed a bit nervous. I didn't feel like you we're being real and engaged. I'll be finding a different church to attend next week."

8. Are the announcements short, strategic, and to the point?

(We wouldn't want to have a single precious minute wasted having to hear about the church picnic now would we?)

9. Is there a printed outline with Scripture already printed on it?

(Ah yes. Expecting people to bring their own Bibles, flip pages, follow along and take their own notes is now a sure and certain sign that a church doesn't care about people.)

10. Does the pastor smile?

(Joel Osteen smiles a lot and he teaches false doctrine.)

11. Does the message title promise a relevant topic I am interested in?

(God has His own agenda and things He wants me to know and learn from Scripture. These are messages I need to hear whether I want to hear them or not. Going to church with the expectation that I'm going to hear a message that is relevant "to me" brushes God's truth aside and turns me into my own god.)

12. Does the pastor speak with humility and authority?

(Who cares? There are FAR more important questions that need to be answered. Questions like...Does he speak the truth? Does he rightly handle the word of God? Does he teach what is in accord with sound doctrine? Are his sermons Christ-Centered and Cross-Focused?)

13. Do I feel the presence of God?

(What does this feel like? Is it goose bumps or a liver shiver? This is pure subjectivity! How on earth does this question tell us anything?! "Sorry I can't stay at this church because I didn't get goose bumps during the sermon.")

14. Are people listening and engaged?

(The members of Jim Jone's church listened and were engaged, and look what happened to them. This question tells us nothing.)

15. Is the service no more than 71 minutes?

(Me. Me. Me. It's all about ME. "I don't want to have to spend more than 71 minutes in church cause I get bored. Plus I've got precious me time scheduled for Sunday afternoon. So hurry it up Pastor!")

16. Does it pass by fast?

(See our commentary for question 15.)

This list clearly demonstrates the extent to which the me-centered, narcissistic, entertainment hungry American church has fallen. How ironic is it that a PASTOR is the one who compiled this list of questions? Aren't pastors supposed to feed us the word of God and condemn our sinful vanities and deeds and preach the transforming message of the Gospel; the message that transforms us from self-centered sinners into 'Christ-Like' children of God?

Anyone who is evaluating a church based on these criteria needs to repent of their me-centered sinful thoughts and deeds an come humbly before God and beg for his forgiveness for even buying into such wickedness!

ESPN Sports Center-like "Church" Entertainment

 

What function does this Sports Center-Like entertainment fulfill in a Christian Church service? Does it draw people closer to Jesus? Does it help them understand sound Biblical doctrine? Is it a form of prayer or Christian fellowship? What is its function?

30 Second Theology...From Commercials NOT The Bible

(January 28, 2015)

 

Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner so how on earth can a seeker-driven vision casting leader expect to compete with that? Well...here's an idea, preach on "spiritual principles' found in everyone's favorite commercials. That will is a sure fire relevant way to draw a crowd. But, there's one small problem. Pastors are told by God's Word to "preach the word" (2 Tim 4:2) Apparently, Craig Groeschel doesn't think that applies to him.

Wrecking Ball of a "Praise Song"

 

Could someone explain to us the purpose of having a church's praise band perform Miley Cyrus', Wrecking Ball? Newspring Church, under the "pastoral care" of Perry Noble did exactly that.

 

Makes perfect sense if you think about it. Miley Cyrus is a paragon of Christian virtues and morality...cough...well...she was rated G years ago when she was Hannah Montana. But, clearly she's made some effort to shed the G rating and is now rated..PG-13...no....R....no...X.

 

Video from Newspring's church performance is posted below AND notice how they projected the lyrics so that the people at Newspring Church could sing along, just like a praise song.

I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night at NewSpring "Church"

Do you see anything wrong with the picture below??

You should.

That photo is of NewSpring "Church's" praise band opening up their worship service with Kiss's rock anthem I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night.

God warns us in his word in 1 Corinthians 3:16-20:

“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple. Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their craftiness,” and again, “The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile.”

The temple being discussed in this passage is the gathering of believers in church. The "you" in the phrase "you are God's temple" is plural, not singular. Another way to translate that phrase would be "do ya'll not know that ya'll are God's temple".

To get an idea of just what Perry Noble, "pastor" of NewSpring, decided to bring into God's Temple watch the video below. It contains footage of both NewSpring's praise band and concert footage of Kiss, the band who wrote the song.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)

Perry Noble Drops the N-Word

 

On Christmas Eve (2014), not only did Perry Noble claim that the Hebrew language has no word for "command" (see this episode of F4F to hear and see this debunked), Perry Noble also dropped the N-word.

 

The video is posted below:

Strut Your Stuff For Jesus??

(Courtesy of: Museum of Idolatry)

The video posted below is from Elevate "Church" in Frisco, Texas, pastrix Sheila Craft presiding.

There are so many things that are wrong with this short video. To help you see these problems we will ask a few questions.

1. Is this an example of what the Apostle Paul admonished in Titus 2:3-5 or the opposite?

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure...”

2. Is the message that "pastrix" Sheila is giving Biblical or is it a "lovers of self" type message that scratches itching ears?

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” (2 Timothy 3:1–5)

“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths” (2 Timothy 4:3–4)

3. Then there is the issue of female pastors...does the Bible permit pastrix Sheila to be a pastrix?

“As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says.” (1 Corinthians 14:33–34)

“Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor” (1 Timothy 2:11–15)

Could it be possible that the reason these women are strutting their stuff in a "church" and mistakenly think this is a godly thing for them to be doing because the pastrix who is teaching them is a rebellious heretic and the message she is teaching isn't what the Bible actually teaches? Are these women demonstrating the fruit of repentance in their lives through the sin convicting work of the Holy Spirit? Does this glorify Jesus or does it glorify themselves? What do you think?

Covenant (Southern) Baptist Church, Garden Ridge, TX, now offers worship "in-the-round," with Catholic-style Votive Candles in the worship center fireplace.  And for those into the "Contemplative Prayer" Heresy, they offer written instruction in "breath prayers," "centering prayer;" also a Labryinth, modeled on Medieval mysticism. And for those who like the Mystical mixed with Traditional, they even occasionally offer and profane The Lord's Supper in the middle of the Labryinth!

(See the "Contemplative Prayer Heresy" webpage for complete details)

The Progressive Church:
Shallow Small Group Bible Study:

Pastor eBays congregation

 

BIG TIMBER, Mont. — Without their consent or knowledge, a pastor in rural Montana has sold his church and congregation on eBay for $3 million.

“I finally got good and sick of them,” says Tad Marshall, pastor for 15 years who completed the secret sale last week. “This serves them right. All of them.”

But many in the church are stunned by the Marshall family’s sudden departure.

“We had such a good relationship,” says Winifred Barnes. “Whenever I called him in the middle of the night to pray for my psoriasis, he was happy to help. I’m surprised he would treat us this way.”

Others expressed similar feelings.

“We would stop by for surprise visits every time he had a day off, and his wife was always quick to put a pot of coffee on,” says Fred Souther.

“We’d sit there and chat for hours. Those were wonderful times.”

One woman recalls how Pastor Marshall responded to her plea to visit her ailing mother every day during her prolonged illness at a hospital 78 miles away.

“I don’t think he did it because we threatened to quit the church. I think he was genuinely concerned for Mother even though she was in a coma,” she says. “We would sit with her for hours singing hymns to her. I could tell he was blessed by it.”

Another longtime member recalls the day a group of women surprised the pastor’s wife with an impromptu shopping trip.

“It was clear she was unable to afford modest clothing, so we charged right in and threw away everything in her closet,” she says. “Then we bought her new ankle-length dresses with long sleeves. She cried tears of joy that day. She kept saying, ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this.’ It was a bonding moment for all of us.”

Even the board, which had its share of differences with Marshall, recalls him fondly. They say he happily abided by the church’s Dress and Grooming Code, kept sermons to 23 minutes as the board required and even abandoned his use of the New Living translation on Sunday morning.

“Once he understood it is a devilish translation that twists the words of the original spoken English, he said he’d be happy to go back to using the Authorized King James Version,” an elder says. “That’s the way Tad was. A real go-along guy.”

Friends from out of state say Marshall came to rural Montana hoping to find a friendly lifestyle where he could help good-hearted people grow closer to Christ. Instead he found “an enclave of faux-Christian Pharisees” who demanded he serve their every whim, says one seminary buddy. One day while selling old exercise equipment on eBay to supplement his church income, which had been docked by the board because a service had gone too long, Marshall decided to rid himself of the congregation in a creative way.

His eBay listing emphasized the positive: “This delightful country church sits on 2 acres of land. Comes complete with congregation and 35 regular tithers! Sunday school wing, no mortgage. Bids start at $200,000.”

Recent Bible college graduates bid first, hoping to gain a built-in congregation on the cheap. Then several entrepreneurs with ministry ambitions swooped in, driving the price up. Kevin Silver, a 39-year-old former Internet company founder, won with a last-minute bid. He is looking forward to “leaving the spiritual corruption of the big city behind” and taking the helm of the rural congregation.

“I always wanted to serve at a little country church where decent people just want to pursue God,” he says. “My wife and I are looking forward to settling into community life and getting to know these wonderful folks. This will be a great second chapter of life for us.”

Youth pastor overestimates preaching ability after wowing main service


TAMPA — Danny Elmore, youth pastor at Living Way church, has grown too big for his britches after substituting for the pastor in the main service last Sunday, according to fellow staff members.

“He’s walking around like he’s some big cheese,” says the Sunday school director, whose office sits across the hall from the youth wing.

Elmore got a fair amount of applause and laughs, they concede, but they point out that pinch-hitters always have the crowd’s sympathy. Elmore balanced his message between humorous anecdotes and passionate preaching, the kind usually reserved for youth services. But other pastors think he confused the audience’s good will with approval.

“After telling them five times he was nervous and to ‘take it easy on him,’ of course people were going to clap and laugh at his jokes,” said the associate pastor. “It doesn’t mean he’s in line for the crown.”

Elmore, flush with success, took a few vacation days off to celebrate, leaving associates to stew privately.

Hispanic congregation outgrows white congregation, muscles into Sunday morning slot

LANSING — Templo Calvario, a Hispanic church which meets at First Lutheran Church, has outgrown its white host church and seized control of service times.

“We’re bigger, we’re more excited and we’re taking Sunday mornings,” said Fernando Gonzalez, the newly emboldened Hispanic pastor. “They can have 3 p.m. and see how they like it.”

The Templo crew also claimed the main church office, forcing First Lutheran’s staff into broom closets and back rooms which formerly housed Templo’s offices.

First Lutheran opened their sanctuary to the burgeoning congregation five years ago when a handful of people attended Templo Calvario. The group met Sunday afternoons, but the city’s Hispanic population quadrupled and soon the Hispanic church was thriving while First Lutheran was not.

Maurice Weatherby, First Lutheran’s pastor, appeared caught off guard by the coup. His shrinking, aging congregation won’t have much choice but to give in, he said, standing with his staff on the lawn outside the building. Inside, the Hispanic pastors and their secretaries were having a party and singing “This is the day” in Spanish.

“We let them use our facility, so yes, I’m surprised by this aggressive move,” Weatherby said. “Maybe someday our youth’ll get excited and we’ll grow and take back the best service times. Until then, I guess we’ll follow the afternoon schedule our hermanos in Christ have given us.” Top of Form

Ministry reaches the non-gifted


OCALA, Fla. — Cherie Blount struggled for twenty years to try to discover her personal gifts. Finally, she concluded: she has none.

“I am a wonderfully non-gifted member of God’s kingdom, and I’m not ashamed of that anymore,” she says.

Blount no longer worries about whether she has a special skill or talent. Rather, she has used her experience to start a ministry called No Gift Required for people who have been through countless “find your gifting” and “Pathways” classes with no success. The ministry has spread to dozens of churches.

“All these years I felt I was born with a spiritual birth defect,” says one man at a Sunday morning No Gift Required meeting in Tallahassee. “But here I feel bonded with other non-gifted people. It’s exciting for me.”

No Gift Required’s curriculum conspicuously lacks any talk of purpose and destiny and instead focuses on general personal development. On occasions when people actually find they are gifted at something, they are asked to leave the class.

“It makes the rest of us uncomfortable,” Blount says. “We politely request that they move on.”

Non-gifted members feel they have an advantage over gifted people who have to spend so much time developing their special skill.

“It’s almost like being married,” says one non-gifted person. “You’re chained to your talent, whereas non-gifted people have a real sense of freedom.”

Gifted people sometimes drop by the non-gifted class out of curiosity.

“Honestly, it looks pretty relaxing,” says one gifted man. “It must be nice to not feel ‘gift pressure.’”

For many, No Gift Required is a much-needed oasis.

“It’s a relief to have this struggle in my life removed,” says one woman. “Now I don’t have to be gifted, I just have to be around.”

‘Pack Leader Pastors’ conference summer’s hot ticket

DENVER — When Cesar Millan, dog trainer and best-selling author, announced he would hold pastors conferences in Denver and Chicago, the events sold out in three hours. Now his “Pack Leader Pastors” conference has become the surprise buzz of the summer.

“Millan gave me more ministry tools than a dozen pastors conferences I’ve been to over the years,” said a pastor from Iowa.

Millan told the 750 gathered church leaders that “there are no problem churches, just problem pastors.” He then explained how pastors should become their church’s pack leader and “staff whisperer” by practicing calm-assertive leadership and keeping staff members and problem church members in a calm-submissive state.

“Your people need exercise, discipline and affection, in that order,” Millan said. “Most pastors give them affection first. Your people see this as weakness.”

Millan said church programs are like exercises he gives to dogs to keep their minds busy and focused. Many pastors who tried his techniques back at home testify that they worked.

“My unruly youth pastor and independent associate fell right in line when I practiced calm-assertive leadership and gave them regular ‘exercises’,” says one pastor.

The only complaint came from associate pastors, some of whom felt slighted by Millan’s remark that each church can have only one pack leader.

In future conferences, Millan “will add a pack follower track to recognize the special needs of future pack leaders,” says Millan’s publicist.

Students start ministry to men with ponytails


ST. PAUL — College students from a Bible school here have started an unusual outreach program to men with ponytails.

“We consider them a distinct unreached people group,” says Bart Lester, 23, from St. Paul Bible College. “That ponytail is really a cry for help.”

The group of 13 sophomores and juniors pioneered their effort last Christmas, visiting nature food stores, biker bars, Dead concerts and music shops — places with high concentrations of ponytailed men. So far they have no conversions, but they insist they’ve planted a lot of gospel seeds.

“It’s a complex mission field,” says David Wheeler, 21. “There are cultural differences within the ponytailed group. You can’t assume they’re all coming from the same background.”

For example, outside a bicycle shop Lester approached a ponytailed man who seemed to be having a rough day. The man described himself as a burned-out hippie, giving Lester just the angle he needed.

“Burned-out hippies with ponytails are different than bikers with ponytails,” he says. “You have to talk more about one-ness, love, community. You describe Jesus as a proto-hippie.”

The students rarely divulge upfront that they have struck up conversation because of the ponytail.

“We don’t want them to feel like targets,” says Wheeler. “You have to be elliptical about it.”

But it’s not uncommon to gently raise the topic after trust has been established.

“I approach it when I sense it’s the right time,” Lester says. “I say, ‘That’s a really long ponytail. What gave you the idea to grow it?’ Then we get into some heart issues.”

At least one man with a ponytail appreciates the group’s efforts. Jake Taylor hangs around the coffee shop near his house most of the day while his wife works a state job. He has a graying ponytail that reaches to the middle of his back. The hairstyle, he says, is meant to convey a certain personal freedom, and perhaps an allegiance to bygone days.

“I did think it was strange that they approached me out of nowhere, but these guys understand where I’m coming from with the hair,” he says, tapping the cover of the Freedom Bible Lester gave him last week, which bears a photo of a ponytailed man on the cover. “They keep talking to me about Jesus, but that’s no biggie. I told them Jesus might have worn a ponytail.”

He laughs. “That’s far out,” he says.

Frustrated worship leader writes only bridges

 

JACKSON, Miss. — Sean Whalen, an aspiring Christian musician, has discovered that he has the ability to write song bridges, but not verses or choruses.

“It’s been frustrating, but I’m growing to appreciate my God-given talent,” he says.

Bridges are the parts of the song that are neither chorus nor verse, but provide a third distinctive element in the middle of the song.

“They have to sound different yet similar to the rest of the song,” he says. “A bland bridge can sap the excitement from a worship time.”

Whalen believes God gave him a bridge-writing talent to force him to “seek community and collaboration with other Christian composers,” so he hopes to find a partner to write verses and choruses around the 93 or so bridges he has already written. Anyone interested in collaborating with Whalen can reach him at SeanWhalen@cleaneyes-pureheart.org.

 

Secretary makes sure pastor receives no calls

FLAGSTAFF — It’s a familiar refrain around Forest Glen Christian Center — Cheryl Pomeroy, executive secretary to the senior pastor, saying, “I’m sorry, he’s not available. May I take a message?”

Thus the death knell rings for another caller to Pastor James D. Amberson.

“In a good week, nobody gets through,” Pomeroy says, sitting at her desk behind neatly stacked papers and photographs of her twin daughters. Pomeroy, observers say, now holds the unofficial title of most effective church secretary in the country. Her elimination rate — the number of calls she doesn’t pass through to Amberson — exceeds 97 percent, far above the national average of 72 percent.

Pomeroy’s road to the top began when she was hired as an office assistant. A year later she became office manager, and after five years of faithful labor, she was promoted to secretary to the senior pastor. Last year her title was changed to Executive Secretary of the Entire Church Office Realm upon her request.

Her success causes some suspicion.

“She runs voice identification tests on his wife and kids,” said another secretary in the office whose knuckles appeared to have been bruised by swats from a ruler. Pomeroy admits to using voice ID to “ward off weirdoes,” but says she’s never used it on family members or known associates.

For his part, Amberson enjoys his clueless existence.

“As far as I’m concerned, the phone is quiet all day,” he says. “Nobody calls, so I sit in here tossing a ball up in the air, re-writing old sermons, that sort of stuff. I very much appreciate the tranquility.”

Overusing the words “Father-God” in Prayer

 

We get it, sometimes it’s hard to find the right words. However, don’t make the often-subtle mistake of saying the same words over and over, until you think of something new to say. Instead, just pause and gather your thoughts so your words have meaning.

Southern Baptist pastor under fire after church staffer dons blackface for boxing skit during 'fundamentalists conference' pleads ignorance.

The entire story:

The conference was hosted by Commonwealth Baptist College.......notice their Slogan:

Notice their slogan: “Training Leaders for the next generation.” 

 

(But what about the Present Generation? What is being done for them?)

(Answer:  nothing.) 

Real Preachers of Genius: Seeker-Sensitive Mega Church Guy

Tired of the gimmicks... and the Hawaiian shirts in church? The "me-centered" gospel is bringing in the people, but where does it lead to? There must be something more!

Hitler parody on the "Seeker-Sensitive" Church Expansion
Archie Bunker slams contemporary worship music
(courtesy of Wretched TV
)

The Hokey Pokey in Church!
(courtesy of Wretched TV)
How to "lift up holy hands" in Charismatic worship
A Repelling Pastor (with thanks to Wretched TV)

Do you prefer your praise and worship to be shaken, not stirred? No worries; the folks at Granger Community Church are happy to oblige with this rendition of James Bond's Skyfall:

"Grave Sucking" is actually practiced by the heretical Bethel Church, Redding, CA
(See the "Emergent Church" webpage for more information).
Parody of Modern Worship:
Church Worship Gone Wrong:
PORPOISE DRIVEN LIFE:

How easy is it to write "7-11" cheap "contemporary praise and worship" ditties?  Easy, because they are so theologically tissue thin, anyone can write one in 5 minutes or less!!!!

PURPOSE-DRIVEN CHURCH SNUBS CONTEMPLATIVE SPIRITUALITY:

CHURCH BECOMES "PURPOSE-DRIVEN" IN LESS THAN 40 DAYS!

THE "SEEKER SENSITIVE" PASTOR.....
GIVING THE PAGAN WHAT THEY WANT:
What did YOU do to stop the
"Seeker Sensitive" movement
from taking over your church?

What happens when church members ignore the pastor and, although they may disagree with his methods, think "his heart is in the right place," but he takes over, and they let him do what he wants, much to their sorrow:

KMART SEEKS "REVIVAL";  REPLACES MARTHA WITH RICK WARREN:

An awkward moment if you lift your hands during worship

Charismatic Seeker Sensitive pastors like it when they can get their choir to dance to the "praise band."  Next, they can get rid of the robes, minister of music, organ, and dignity of worship.
Charismatic pastors love to encourage their congregations to clap along with the "praise band."
Some Charismatic pastors like to introduce multiple heresies, like "being slain in the spirit."

Police in Little Rock, Arkansas, mistakenly raided an auditorium outside the city after receiving reports of an apparent hold-up where several people were seen putting up their hands and handing over all their money. Law enforcement officials conceded that the unfortunate mix-up could have been avoided if they had only been notified beforehand that Benny Hinn was holding a revival meeting there. Said Sgt. Joe Lambert, “It's a little hard to arrest Hinn for robbery when he claims Jesus is his accomplice.” However, police did confiscate Hinn's “Holy Ghost machine gun” until they can ascertain whether the evangelist has a proper permit for the weapon. Benny Hinn's hair could not be reached for comment.

How to Grow Your Church